I had a rather mixed up Saturday night. I went out for Mike’s birthday, thinking there would be a massive group of people from work, but instead there was just a few of us. We were sitting in a booth at the pub, and as people got up to go to the bar and to the loo everyone got shifted around. Until I was sitting in the corner with Mike next to me. With his hand on my leg. And occassionally, mine on his. It was unspoken, above the table people would never have known. We were a little flirty, but no more than I am with anyone else. It was slightly thrilling, the illicitness of the touch, wondering if anything else would happen.

It didn’t, he was incredibly drunk. But I wasn’t all that fussed. It was nice for the half hour we were sitting next to each other, and I figured that would be the end of it. I was slightly preoccupied anyway, because we ran into J and his new girlfriend. I just turned my back, I don’t want to see him or speak to him. A few people greeted him, but I was looking like a drowned rat (it was raining!), tired after a 12 hour shift at work, and generally not happy to see him. But even though I have *absolutely* no romantic feelings for him whatsoever, it still churns me up to see him. It still makes me feel like crap.

And even though I profess to be a feminist, even though I know that I’m a good person – maybe even a brilliant person, even though I should base my self-worth on my acheivements, on my brains and then on my beauty. But right at that moment the fact that Mike was interested in me was a shining beacon of self-affirmation. I feel completely awful about it. Maybe I shouldn’t give myself such a hard time, but I know that it’s not right. But I texted him after the night was over anyway.

‘Hope you had a good birthday Enjoy your hangover! xxxx’

Which eventually turned into:

Mike: ‘Aren’t you going to invite me over for a cup of tea?’

Amy: ‘I don’t drink tea.’

Mike: ‘We could just chat?’

Amy: ‘I’m already in my pyjamas’

It went on along those lines for a while, him telling me I was looking good tonight, that he’d have loved to meet up the next day, I was only paying half attention because I was half asleep at the time. But I did flirt back a bit. I didn’t say no outright to meeting up again, despite the awkwardness of our last date. If I’d have said yes to ‘a cup of tea’ or a ‘chat’ I have no doubt that we would have ended up fooling around. And even though he is *so* wrong for me, even in a casual way, I was tempted. More than tempted. And mostly just to make myself feel better. 

And I feel awful about it now. I felt even worse because of what I have with Prince Charming. How could I possibly consider someone like Mike when I have Prince Charming? He’s perfect and wonderful. And I love him. So even though I have no obligation to Prince Charming, it felt like a betrayal, like cheating. Thankfully he didn’t see it that way (and he probably would be a bit of a dick if he had, we’re not together after all) but at the same time, I can’t help lamenting the situation I’ve got myself in. I’ve got the best of both worlds – the love and support of an amazing man and the freedom of being a single girl with a license to do what I want. I’m incredibly lucky. So why do I feel so shit?